”I feel gaslit by everyone talking about how ‘passionate’ they are about their research, as if there is something wrong with me, and I am supposed to enjoy working 14 hours a day every day. For me, grad school has been a truly miserable experience. I’m tired of constantly having to put on a happy face for Zoom meetings and pretend that I enjoy the day-to-day drudgery and monotony of my lab work. I’m chronically sleep deprived, have no control over my own schedule, and am constantly pushing myself to my limits every day to meet expectations. But still it is never enough for my advisor. Dealing with daily unpleasant interactions with my group and navigating toxic lab culture and politics makes the experience even worse. But what’s truly infuriating is that others all seem to have ‘drank the Kool-Aid,’ waxing poetic about how dedicated they are to their research. I might be studying the most interesting topic ever, but it makes no difference when the day-to-day is such a mind numbing, miserable slog.
As children, we are taught that if we work hard, we will be ‘successful’ and our lives will be happier and easier since we’ll have better career prospects. Yet the rate of depression in graduate school suggests otherwise. In the midst of the global pandemic, economic downturn, and budget cuts, job prospects look grim both within and outside of academia. I’m afraid that I’ve wasted so much time being miserable in the present to invest in some imagined rosy future that may never materialize. If I’m not happy now, how can I expect to be happy in 5 years?
I think it’s unrealistic to expect to truly feel fulfilled and energized just from work alone. Fulfillment comes from multiple sources of which work is just one. For me, family is a much greater source of joy in my life. It irks me so much when people spout frustrating platitudes like ‘if you enjoy your job, you’ll never work a day in your life!’ All jobs have fulfilling aspects and unpleasant aspects, but at the end of the day I’d rather be on vacation enjoying the company of my loved ones. I hate that this makes me a ‘heretic’ within academia. Surely, others must feel like I do, so why are we all buying into the mass hysteria that is academic culture?”
